Normal Life

So Minnie has been home for exactly 2 months now, and she will be 15 weeks old on Thursday.

And we are getting on ok.  My body has adjusted to the many nighttime interruptions.  Penny loves her little sister, though occasionally lashes out (which is hard, but thankfully very infrequent).

We are starting to be a bit braver, going into the city just the 3 of us, but I have already learned that if I push it too far then things can get a bit wrong.

Penny is potty training, I can't wait for her to be out of nappies.  She also talks plenty, now using proper sentences "I don't want it" and she is generally easy to understand.

Minnie is smiling lots, playing with her hands and on the brink of laughing.

Our eagerness to get a bigger house with a garden is growing, but it is hard to figure out how manage it financially, and of course to figure out where we would live.  We are still very happy in South London, but countryside also beckons.  Never mind our dream to live abroad.

So we are happy ... busy but happy.  Squeezing in lots of hospital appointments, for blood, renal, heart etc, and also for blood transfusions.  Trying to fit in a little kid-free time each to do our respective creative projects, as well as spending quality time together as a family.

Time time time ...

... and relax ...

Baby Minnie came home last Wednesday, it is a joy to cuddle up close with her so much, and a blessing that she feels so safe and comfortable in our arms after 6 weeks of sedation and hospital madness.

Although I can't hide a little sadness and apprehension at the news she has some hearing loss (moderate to severe), it is a miracle that she has escaped this whole incident with so little damage.  She is a very normal baby, very chilled out, and very much like Penny always was.  And it is great that I feel so confident with her, just keen to feed her up so she gets strong and well as fast as possible.

Now that we have had some calm, as even after we came home I spent the next day at the doctors and then at the hospital all day while she had a blood transfusion, everything seems much more sane again.  C, P, M and I had a relaxing day together yesterday, along with a visit from Gramps, Marion and Elle, and the next week hold plenty more family time as well as some form of low-key celebration for P's birthday.

Everything has been a bit mad for the last 6 weeks, and in some ways for the last 11 months what with the strains of the pregnancy.  But now I finally feel like the tight wire in my brain is being allowed to relax and unwind.  I even went for a 15 minute run yesterday, which felt fantastic.

C and P are off at Bettie's birthday party today, so I am catching up on jobs while Minnie cuddles up close to me in our new snuggly sling.  Perfection!

Our New Baby

Our baby was born on the 14th February, and she was born very sick.  It seems she had been very anaemic in the womb, which had left her short of oxygen.  So she came out with multiple organ failure, and we were not clear for a few days whether she would make it or not.

Two weeks later, she is now stable, though with many ups and downs.

So how do I feel?  Getting through the first few days was intense and emotional, and I'm so grateful for the unconditional support of a loving Charlie-Fish, the rallying of our wonderful family and friends, and the distraction of the lovely Penny.  I was happy to cry when I needed to, it didn't bother me crying in front of people, and I felt very rational about the whole thing.  Not thinking 'why us?', because indeed why not us!

But now we are in this for the medium haul, and it is hard.  Above all, it is a physical wrench being away from my baby, my sweet sweet little Minnie who is needing to be so strong to get through all these trials.  I miss her physically, and spend my days in some semblance of normal life, but aching to be next to her and to keep her close to me.  This makes me cry too, and both Fish and Penny seem to be getting used to my occasional hormonal outbursts.  They are not bad, they are very healthy.

It is also painful when I hear of any decline in her condition.  She has improved so much over the last two weeks, we felt like she was on the right road.  But now it is more complex, as Charlie puts it, 2 steps forward with 1 step back.  And each step back makes my heart sink.  And there are so many areas she needs to mend, kidneys, liver, heart, blood, brain ...

But the facade of normality has to remain, for our sanity and for Penny's sake.  The weirdest thing is that if she had come straight home with us from hospital, it would be far from a sane household, with newborn baby and toddler in full swing.  This is a different kind of madness, so unexpected and so hard.

So, for now, I need to surf the waves of sadness that wash over me from time to time and just keep going ...

On Maternity Leave Again

So, last Thursday I finished work, and I don't think I realised what a drain working full-time had been on me, both mentally and physically.  I now feel like I have been given the gift of time, and even better I get to spend that time with my lovely bundle of Penny, exclusively even until Baby 2 (Fidget) comes along.

So sanity reigns, I have the time to bake cakes, cook good food, go for walks in the park and see my NCT friends ... all of which seems to good to be true.  I am sure when baby arrives life will be demanding in a different way, but for now it is good to take a deep breath and enjoy.

Without Child (and yet with child)

After a sickly and tiring November, I am still snotty but starting to feel Christmassy.  Cards are made, plans are in place, decorations are up, and all is well as long as I have a clean tissue nearby.

In the meantime, Charlie and Penny have gone to Greece for 5 days with Erika and Theresa to see Super-Papou, and it sounds like they are having a wonderful time.

Which leaves me home alone, though with a baby in my tummy, which kind of precludes me from going for crazy drunken nights out till 5am.

But in the meantime, some small observations:

• It still only takes me 15 mins from being in bed to being showered, dressed and off to work.
• It is refreshing not to feel a constant sense of urgency, which I think comes from wanting to be with Penny whenever I am not at work.  A symptom of working full time, but soon to be fixed via mat leave and considering a part time future.
• I don't trust myself to remember my keys, especially with my current 'baby brain' memory ... so I check at least twice whenever I leave the house.

Looking forward to cuddling my little pudding-pie (and my big pudding-pie) very soon, but in the meantime I will be relaaaaaaxing :)

A Peaceful Saturday Morning

Ahhhhhhhh!

Penny kindly let me sleep in till 7:30 this morning, and we have had a lovely morning hanging out together, and getting some easy quick jobs done (Ocado online shop, cooking some Fimo beads I made last night).

Charlie is at his board game conference in Essen, and I am reminded how manageable life is, even if he is not here and I am pregnant (i.e. tired and sometimes a bit grumpy).  I miss him, but all is very well.  And he is clearly having the time of his life ("Games! Games! Games!")

My diary is pretty free, and there are some bits and pieces I would like to do, but nothing terribly urgent.  Erika, Ruth and Wela are coming round tonight, and I am completely looking forward to it as the cooking is already mostly done, so I can have a fun chatty evening with them and P.

And Penny is being a complete sweetie.  She is at an age where she can do so much, she loves to entertain herself but is also delightful to play with or read to.  And stroppy tantrums are still very rare.

So, a quick read of 'Winnie the Pooh and Tigger Too', a cosy shower, and then P and I will be off for a walk around Brockwell Park ... perfect!  Hooray!

The Little Boy that Never Was

Don't get me wrong, I know that except for death and taxes, very little in life is truly final.

We had a very good 20 week +6 days scan today, where the baby was shown to be healthy and growing well, and will also be a little girl.  And, as Charlie and I are only planning on 2 children, this seems to be a clear indication that we will not experience being parents to a baby boy.

Which is fine in many ways.  Sisters may well fall out, but hopefully will be very close as the years go by.  And there are various other generalisations I could make, but it does feel very final.  As we approach the end of our childbearing chapter, it is an emotional day in many different ways.

Even having another baby at all seems a bit like cheating on Penny.  But if we were to have expected a boy, we had a name chosen.  And the thought of bringing up a mini-Charlie when he is just so wonderful was too good to be true.  And of course I am already bringing up a mini-Charlie.  Penny is so much like him, even though it is the easy option to say how much she is like me just because she is a girl.  But she both looks like him and behaves like him.

And I know we won't be bringing up girls any differently than how we would if they were boys.  They will still climb trees and learn how to play chess and go.

So now I just want to meet the little fidget who is wriggling around in my tummy, because I know she will be wonderful in so many new and surprising ways.  

Catching Up

So, returning back from America went ok, though getting over 8 hours of jet lag with a baby is hard ... even when you can sleep, odds are they can't!  And there were plenty of autumnal germs waiting for us, so there have been coughs and colds all round.

Feeling very seasonally chilled out though, enjoying the cooler air but not the rain.

As I am over 20 weeks pregnant now, the baby has been wiggling more and even kicking.  It really helps me to bond with the baby.  I mean, you know you are pregnant earlier on from the sickness, the scan and the line on the stick, but it feels abstract to have a baby in your tummy.  It is only when it starts moving that I can really connect.  And looking forward to seeing the baby again at the scan next Tuesday, though the anticipation of knowing what gender the baby will be is too much!

Having a relaxing weekend, seeing Kirsten, Matty and Anna, and as the others are going for the annual autumn walk tomorrow, and if it is not raining Penny may go to, and I may well get a day to myself ... what will I do?!

Home Again

A group of us had a late breakfast at the Spot Café before going for a walk in the park.  Some went for a game of Pitch & Putt, while P and I rested on the beach watching the boats and enjoying playing in the sand.

Then one final fat burger before driving to the airport.  Returning the cars was seamless, and P and I snuggled up on the plane to have a fair bit of sleep, though I was happy to know that I wouldn’t be back at work till Tuesday.

Cycling and Walking

French Toast breakfast at the Spot Café.  Then the 3 of us jumped on bikes (and a trailer) to cycle round Stanley Park.  It seems to be the main thing to do in Vancouver, and it was clear why.  

Such fantastic views of the bay, with seaplanes landing and tugboats plodding along.  

We stopped off on the beach to play in the sand with Penny, which she loved. 

On returning the bikes, we started walking.  Down Denman Street, spotting a good restaurant for our last evening together (The Boathouse).  Then all the way down Davies Street, stopping at a couple of good second-hand/thrift shops.

Then we walked all the way over the main bridge to get to Granville Island.  Fantastic views of the city, but a long way to walk.  Especially as we had to double back a long way to actually get to where we were heading.

We stopped off for some well-needed food in a great little fish restaurant, and went in a few shops.  Which included a hammock shop, where we decided to buy an enormous family hammock on a whim!  A splurge, but you really can’t get hammocks as good as American hammocks in the UK.

As I was exhausted from all the cycling and walking, we took a taxi to Gastown to see the old gas lights and architecture.  Then back to the hotel to meet the others for dinner.

The restaurant was slow, but we had our own corner and the food was terrific.  My steak was especially good.  Penny was a bit restless at the beginning of the meal, which was hard, but she settled down eventually.  And we hung around for ages, making friends with other diners too, as we went through all of our top ten experiences of the trip.  Mine were as follows:

10 – 3Cs Cowboy music show in Cody

9 – House on the Rock Inn – Submarine Pool and Hot Tub

8 – Dave’s all you can eat attempt in Butte

7 – Chicago – Architecture and posh dinner at The Signature Restaurant

6 – Seattle Karaoke

5 – Dressing up in the 1880’s Cowboy Town

4 – Cycling in Vancouver

3 – Yellowstone

2 – Rushmore

1 – House on the Rock

Canada Ahoy

We jumped on the Monorail with Matthew, picking up Katie and Dave on the way, as we headed towards the markets in the middle of Seattle.  Stopped off at Ludi’s on Pike for a brilliant hash brown and bacon breakfast.  Then we wandered through the markets, along the waterfront to the Curiosity shop (which was nothing much, in my opinion).  Then quickly into the Seattle Art Museum (SAM) shop before meeting the others back at the hotel, and we found a tremendous fountain on the way back.

We then drove to Canada, meeting a pleasant but firm border guard as we tried to get across.  Anca had had to leave us in Seattle as she had some last minute visa issues, so we were down another person at this point.

Vancouver was very impressive as we approached, such an impressive city by the bay with mountains in the background.

After driving down Robson Street, we got to our rooms at Robson Suites.  Walking back up Robson, we found Earl’s on a recommendation from a local.  And it was fantastic, being fairly Penny friendly with amazing food and great service.

Washington and the Ocean

Stopped off just over the border in Ellensburg to see Dick and Jane’s garden, full of lots of homemade colourful art.  Then we chose to have lunch in a beautiful converted yellow church, where they had made Heavenly Loaf (fluffy ciabatta with cheese, garlic and plenty of salt, yum!)

Arrived in Seattle, realising that we were nearing the end of our trip by hitting the ocean.  The roads were undergoing repairs and were hard to navigate, but Charlie managed to get us to our posh hotel, The Maxwell.

Got to the Space Needle just as the sun was setting, was hilarious to see it ‘unset’ as we went up in the lift.

Afterwards we all jumped into taxis to get to the karaoke place.  Charlie was looking after Penny for the evening, so I snuck out to have tacos with them before they headed back to the hotel.  Singing was fun, as always, with lots of enthusiasm all round.

Eating and Driving

Drove to Butte for lunch, and not just any lunch.  We headed for Trimbos pizza so Dave could attempt the 5lb Jumboli Calzone challenge.  An enormous amount of food on a plate, he did pretty well, getting through about a third of it.  They did make yummy pizzas, but not sure if I would want to gorge my way through 5lb of it. 

Dave’s attempt was fantastic though, even when he turned a bit pale, he wasn’t sick.

This was a day of lots of driving.  We stopped off at the $50,000 bar which was covered in endless $1 silver dollar coins.  The barlady Phyllis sang at Jamie, and the shop had plenty of fun things in, including an infinite drinking bird which we just had to have one of.

Arrived late in Coeur d’Alene, and had a meal at Tomato Street restaurant where you could draw on the paper tablecloths with crayons.