Friday, 1 March 2013

Our New Baby

Our baby was born on the 14th February, and she was born very sick.  It seems she had been very anaemic in the womb, which had left her short of oxygen.  So she came out with multiple organ failure, and we were not clear for a few days whether she would make it or not.

Two weeks later, she is now stable, though with many ups and downs.

So how do I feel?  Getting through the first few days was intense and emotional, and I'm so grateful for the unconditional support of a loving Charlie-Fish, the rallying of our wonderful family and friends, and the distraction of the lovely Penny.  I was happy to cry when I needed to, it didn't bother me crying in front of people, and I felt very rational about the whole thing.  Not thinking 'why us?', because indeed why not us!

But now we are in this for the medium haul, and it is hard.  Above all, it is a physical wrench being away from my baby, my sweet sweet little Minnie who is needing to be so strong to get through all these trials.  I miss her physically, and spend my days in some semblance of normal life, but aching to be next to her and to keep her close to me.  This makes me cry too, and both Fish and Penny seem to be getting used to my occasional hormonal outbursts.  They are not bad, they are very healthy.

It is also painful when I hear of any decline in her condition.  She has improved so much over the last two weeks, we felt like she was on the right road.  But now it is more complex, as Charlie puts it, 2 steps forward with 1 step back.  And each step back makes my heart sink.  And there are so many areas she needs to mend, kidneys, liver, heart, blood, brain ...

But the facade of normality has to remain, for our sanity and for Penny's sake.  The weirdest thing is that if she had come straight home with us from hospital, it would be far from a sane household, with newborn baby and toddler in full swing.  This is a different kind of madness, so unexpected and so hard.

So, for now, I need to surf the waves of sadness that wash over me from time to time and just keep going ...

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